I’m suffering a bit. I box myself in. I’m sick of being lost in a procrastination haze of non-productivity, accomplishing nothing and wasting life. Time is valuable, and I need to be doing the things that I want to be doing, so I will.
And I won’t be making plans, like always, because plans are like rules, and rules are for breaking (at least that’s how I rationalize things, anyway). It’s a mindset. What am I doing right now, and would I regret it if I was killed the next second? Am I leaving things untied? The answer should be no. I will not buy into consumer blindness and app tapping and whittling away the hours of my life on ‘entertainment’. I will do the things I want to do. Read. Work hard. Eat well, but not too much. I will stop obsessing over everything, and worrying, and feeling floaty and ungrounded. I have a purpose regardless of anything else, and that’s to appreciate life. Beauty, connection, the oddities of people around me… All this creates a meaning in its own right. I don’t need to know what I’m doing with my life goals, or what I’m wearing, or how I look, or if I’m smart or pretty or interesting. I need to be doing, thinking, feeling. Not worrying.